You got it. I was thinking about myself! Some of you might be aware of the that the last few years have been kind of rough around the Millar home. At times things seemed like too much but we got through.
This summer I decided would be different for our family. I would not be carting kids to camp and lessons. We would bond as a family! We had lots of beach days and many lazy days at home. The little girls went to preschool during the summer and Bret and I got some much needed time with the big kids.
I was sad to see summer ending but I saw so much hope in the school year. I would have the three older kids all at the same school and for the same hours. I would also have the little girls at the same school for the same hours. It was planned they would go to school three days a week from 7-12:30.
FREEDOM!!!!
Like all good and wonderful plans that happen in the Millar home things were quickly foiled! We started out great. For the first couple of weeks the schedule seemed golden. I would take the kids all to school and then I would have time for ME.
What did me time look like? What does a mom of 5 do with all that freedom?
I ran! I love to run.
From the running however it only went downhill. I prepped dinners, I went grocery shopping, and I cleaned our house. I see other moms doing it. That's what you should do right? Well I didn't like it one bit! I would spend time prepping meals and cleaning my house only to have kids walk through the door complaining there was 'nothing' to eat while they left a trail of their belongings from the door, through the living room, and into the kitchen.
How rude! I can't believe my children ranging in age from 3-11 didn't appreciate my efforts.
With the new schedule I also wasn't getting any one on one time with Claire. After a couple of weeks I took her down to two days of preschool so we could hang out more. I was very excited with this change! Not long after that it became very obvious that I needed more help with Mary and her schooling. Mrs. Sandman graciously welcomed Mary into her Kinder class.
What the heck? I am a schedule girl! I love schedules! I love to make them and I love to follow them.
In little more than a month the year of ME disappeared. I would be lying if I told you I embraced this change. Okay, I didn't care so much about the cleaning or the meal prepping but my running time being swiped right from under my nose like that. I was so close! I would still hold onto my Monday morning run. I can drop the kids off at 8, meet up with friends, and run by the ocean. That's what I did for a few more weeks. It was nice.
Then one morning I was in Mary's class and she looked at me with her big brown eyes and asked me if I was helping and staying with her. I had some reservations in her ability to follow directions with me in there but she surprised me. The morning Mary asked me to work in her class is the morning I realized the importance of loving where I am in life right now.
Where am I now?
I know you were all worried but I still find time to run! Without it I might be crazy. Not just a little crazy, like people would run away when they saw me coming crazy.
I spend a lot of time with Claire. We go shopping, we clean, we play, and we snuggle up to watch Tarzan. It takes more time to shop with her but I find myself more satisfied. I didn't just buy food for my family. I chased Claire through a store! Bonding and attachment can take place in so many ways:)
The two mornings when Claire is at school isn't spent cleaning or taking care of family errands. Both mornings I work in my kids classes. When I am done there is usually time for a walk with a friend, or a cup of coffee and a snack alone.
Obviously on this plan my house is messier and we don't eat as well but I am happier. I am more fulfilled. I am realizing that I am not ready to move on. I don't want a big girl job. I don't want to go back to school. I will probably never ever be able to clean my house and prepare meals while my family is away. It makes me a bitter cranky little lady!
I have always wanted to be a mom. I am lucky I get to spend time working in the kids classes and pick them up when they get out of school. Bret and I were talking the other night and he asked me what I would have thought had I known where we would be at this point in our lives when we were first married. Honestly, I would have been shocked to know that at the age of 31 I would have three birth children and two adopted children. I wouldn't have just been shocked. I would have been envious of this future me.
I want to live in my little house and stay at home with my crazy kids. I want to play games and fight about screen time. I want to embarrass Bret at school and have Chloe chase after me for one more hug. I want Jackson to talk non-stop about a game of tag he and his friends made up at school. I want to struggle to get Mary in the car because she wants to give one more hug to her friend. Most of all I want to pick Claire up from preschool half an hour early so she doesn't hit her friends! A few months ago when I imagined what life with so much free time would be like I thought it would be glorious. Now when I look into the future and know that in a blink of an eye Claire will be in school full time, I can't help but feel a little knot in my stomach. Will I have to grow up?!?
