A wise woman once told me, "Marriage is a lot of work." When I shared this wisdom with my dad he shrugged it off with a laugh. The 16 year old version of myself decided to join good old dad in his chuckle and go about my day. My parents made marriage look easy, therefore it must be.
There are some basic skills that I picked up from living with parents that loved and adored each other.1. If you go to the kitchen always offer to grab your spouse something.
At the very least they may need a cup of water.
2. Take walks together whenever possible.
3. Say, "I love you," often.
4. Share, share, and share some more. I'm not talking about your feelings or anything sappy. Share your dessert, your blankets, your car, your shampoo. There are so many things one could be selfish with!
That list could probably be added to but I think that will do.
Since I've been married the sentence that wise woman once spoke comes to my mind often. It isn't nearly as easy as I thought it would be. In the beginning it seems like love alone will carry you anywhere. News flash! It won't!
This topic began forming for me a few days ago. I had been out and about all day getting my nails done and having brunch. Nope, not that. I ran all over that day! Working in classrooms and grocery shopping among other things. I walked in the door at a little past 7 bringing Bret home from soccer practice. I was expecting to see a picked up house and some kids in bed. That was not the case.
The living room wasn't looking so hot but as I moved into the kitchen my head started to throb. Would it actually explode? It was a mess, and do you think Chloe and Jackson had eaten? Well maybe a little bit of brownie mix off of the spoon, but actual dinner..... Nope!
Bret had in fact put Cutie and Mary to bed. That's one of his greatest joys of the day. After that time must have stood still. As I write this I know it sounds crazy to be so annoyed about the situation. They were having fun. They were bonding. Who needs dinner when you have love? The kids do!
I held my crazy inside and planted myself on the couch. I will not freak out over brownies. I will not freak out over brownies. As I was busy holding in my crazy some vapors must have been sneaking out because Bret started to round up the kids and feed them various non-dinner items and send them to bed.
When did I turn into a stick in the mud?
Well I am pretty sure Bret and I just see things differently. He sees brownies and I see a huge mess. There isn't a bad or good or a right or wrong. It just is. I was too tired to look at the mess.
If I had been home I would have not only put the girls to bed but I would have been making plans with the babysitter, while doing the dishes, while helping the kids with their homework, after which I would be directing them to bathe and dress. It sounds so boring but these routines keep my sanity.
We do have a lot going on and tomorrow when he goes to work who's left with the mess?
So I have been thinking on this more and more and I am torn. I think I should have more brownie moments. Maybe I was a little envious of his? How could he sit there in a clutter filled, sink piled kitchen and just be with the kids. They were having fun. He was present and seemed undistracted. There must be a balance in there somewhere.
Work, yes this marriage is work. Instead of freaking out I had to think about it for days and realize there might be value in the brownie mess. Annoying!!!
Day to day there are the little things. The brownie mess is one story among many. In this story he made me crazy and I didn't say much. The two times I locked my keys in my car at Costco I am sure I made him a little crazy and he didn't say much.
It's give and take with the little things but it's also give and take with the big things in life. Our marriage has taken us on a path I would have never expected. Some of the things have been amazing and some of them have really left me wondering how marriage could be so much work!
About a year ago I was confiding my worries and anxieties to a woman farther along in years than myself. Her children are closer to my age. It didn't have anything to do with Bret really. It was just life, but life falls hard on relationships. She told me that one of her biggest regrets from when her kids were at home was that she didn't have enough fun with her husband. They were so busy taking care of the kids they didn't enjoy each other.
That was some of the best advice I've gotten. Whenever we can manage we watch movies and eat candy in bed, we go for walks, or we go out to dinner. The other day we went on a date with Cutie and it was great. It's fun to pretend we only have one pretty well behaved (in public) toddler.
Bret and I have something pretty special. It's not perfect. It's nothing like the movies. We don't make it look easy. We don't always agree but we never yell. We both try to put the other before ourselves. We have the same values. We have the same dreams. We have this crazy little family and each day is a new adventure. I am sure we have many more twist and turns that are unpredictable, but I am excited about what the future holds. Fingers crossed there won't be many more sets of keys locked in my car at Costco:)
