The Husband!

          A wise woman once told me, "Marriage is a lot of work." When I shared this wisdom with my dad he shrugged it off with a laugh. The 16 year old version of myself decided to join good old dad in his chuckle and go about my day. My parents made marriage look easy, therefore it must be.

         There are some basic skills that I picked up from living with parents that loved and adored each other.

1. If you go to the kitchen always offer to grab your spouse something.
    At the very least they may need a cup of water.

2. Take walks together whenever possible.

3. Say, "I love you," often.

 

4. Share, share, and share some more. I'm not talking about your feelings or anything sappy. Share your dessert, your blankets, your car, your shampoo. There are so many things one could be selfish with!

That list could probably be added to but I think that will do.

          Since I've been married the sentence that wise woman once spoke comes to my mind often. It isn't nearly as easy as I thought it would be. In the beginning it seems like love alone will carry you anywhere. News flash! It won't!

 This topic began forming for me a few days ago. I had been out and about all day getting my nails done and having brunch. Nope, not that. I ran all over that day! Working in classrooms and grocery shopping among other things. I walked in the door at a little past 7 bringing Bret home from soccer practice. I was expecting to see a picked up house and some kids in bed. That was not the case.   

          The living room wasn't looking so hot but as I moved into the kitchen my head started to throb. Would it actually explode? It was a mess, and do you think Chloe and Jackson had eaten? Well maybe a little bit of brownie mix off of the spoon, but actual dinner..... Nope!

         Bret had in fact put Cutie and Mary to bed. That's one of his greatest joys of the day. After that time must have stood still. As I write this I know it sounds crazy to be so annoyed about the situation. They were having fun. They were bonding. Who needs dinner when you have love? The kids do!

          I held my crazy inside and planted myself on the couch. I will not freak out over brownies. I will not freak out over brownies. As I was busy holding in my crazy some vapors must have been sneaking out because Bret started to round up the kids and feed them various non-dinner items and send them to bed.

          When did I turn into a stick in the mud?

 

          Well I am pretty sure Bret and I just see things differently. He sees brownies and I see a huge mess. There isn't a bad or good or a right or wrong. It just is. I was too tired to look at the mess.

          If I had been home I would have not only put the girls to bed but I would have been making plans with the babysitter, while doing the dishes, while helping the kids with their homework, after which I would be directing them to bathe and dress. It sounds so boring but these routines keep my sanity.

 

We do have a lot going on and tomorrow when he goes to work who's left with the mess?

          So I have been thinking on this more and more and I am torn. I think I should have more brownie moments. Maybe I was a little envious of his? How could he sit there in a clutter filled, sink piled kitchen and just be with the kids. They were having fun. He was present and seemed undistracted. There must be a balance in there somewhere.
          Work, yes this marriage is work. Instead of freaking out I had to think about it for days and realize there might be value in the brownie mess. Annoying!!!
          Day to day there are the little things. The brownie mess is one story among many. In this story he made me crazy and I didn't say much. The two times I locked my keys in my car at Costco I am sure I made him a little crazy and he didn't say much.
          It's give and take with the little things but it's also give and take with the big things in life. Our marriage has taken us on a path I would have never expected. Some of the things have been amazing and some of them have really left me wondering how marriage could be so much work!
          About a year ago I was confiding my worries and anxieties to a woman farther along in years than myself. Her children are closer to my age. It didn't have anything to do with Bret really. It was just life, but life falls hard on relationships. She told me that one of her biggest regrets from when her kids were at home was that she didn't have enough fun with her husband. They were so busy taking care of the kids they didn't enjoy each other.
          That was some of the best advice I've gotten. Whenever we can manage we watch movies and eat candy in bed, we go for walks, or we go out to dinner. The other day we went on a date with Cutie and it was great. It's fun to pretend we only have one pretty well behaved (in public) toddler.
          Bret and I have something pretty special. It's not perfect. It's nothing like the movies. We don't make it look easy. We don't always agree but we never yell. We both try to put the other before ourselves. We have the same values. We have the same dreams. We have this crazy little family and each day is a new adventure. I am sure we have many more twist and turns that are unpredictable, but I am excited about what the future holds. Fingers crossed there won't be many more sets of keys locked in my car at Costco:)
         

Vacation

          What is a vacation? Hawaii with the husband? Disneyland with the family? A good old fashioned camping trip? Driving to Oregon with 5 kids and no husband? Oh yes! The Oregon choice. That was my 'vacation' this summer.
         Even to myself this idea sounds crazy. The next thought is always, what kind of husband do I have? I am always making these Oregon trips alone. I have a husband who has one of those pesky jobs and he never ever seems to get vacation time in the summer.
          Now that the kids are getting older I can't just pull them out of school for two weeks. In 3rd grade I had Bret out for a week and a half when Dad was sick and, I will admit it to you all, he failed a test because of me. I don't in any way regret the choice to take him out to see his Grandpa. I only regret my complete lack of ability to explain math concepts. I can do the math, but teaching it is another story. Let's just add that to the long list of reasons I love public school!
          The choices are tromp across California and Oregon with 5 kids alone or wait until Bret gets some vacation days and pull the big kids out of school for over a week and let all 3 of them be homeschooled on a road trip with me as their teacher (barf). It had already been a year since I was at Mom's house. I really do enjoy going there. Plus Seaside is actually pretty fun in the summer.
          When the big 3 were little I spent hours packing and planning. I would make goodie bags with toys. I would put together great treat bags. We would have new books and movies and the ever-popular workbooks. I made my list and I checked it twice.
          That enthusiasm is so gone! I did buy Mary some makeup and Cutie a singing book. I did charge a decent number of devices. I got myself an audio book. I bought snacks and dumped them into a big tub to avoid pit stops.
         The old me would have had guilt about some of these choices. Shouldn't I be making cherished childhood memories here? They should have their special bags and we should be singing and playing car games. No way, no how!
          The first day we drove to Redding. That is about 5 hours away from our house. I reserved a hotel room and promised the kids swimming. Taking them all swimming didn't seem like the best idea. I went down really having no idea how I was going to watch them all. Wild child Mary had a life jacket on as I assumed she was most likely to hurl herself in without warning. It actually turned out just fine. The big three have basic swimming and belly flopping skills so they were having a great time. Mary hated the cold water and would only stick her feet in the hot tub and Cutie wanted nothing to do with the water. She chased a ball around a small grass square in the corner most of the time. Best of all when it was time to leave they all listened! On more than one occasion aqua man Jackson has suddenly been unable to hear my repeated calls to get out of the pool. There is just so much water in his ears. Not that lucky day though. He got out and even helped usher the littles out of the pool area.
         The evening went well. I pushed one stroller and Jackson pushed the other. Bret and Chloe held open all the doors and helped drag luggage. We received a lot of questioning looks. People can't figure out who we are. These kids cannot possibly all be mine, they seem to say. Most of the time I simply smile and keep walking. Let them wonder!
         The next day we made it to Mom's. Grandma's is always a fun place for the kids. She has an old dog Ginger the kids love to chase around. The main thing is that Grandma is there and she bought good sugar cereals for the week. The kids are set!
         It was lovely to have Mary wander into Mom's room during those early wake-up hours. As impossible as is sounds, I did get a bit of a break. I fit in a run, I ate at Norma's, and for one week I wasn't responsible for running a household.
         The kids all did as well as they possibly could have. Bret spent a lot of time playing with his cousin Kemper. In fact, when we got home, I had to make a point of hanging out with him. I hardly saw him during our time away. Chloe cuddled with her Grandma most nights and had a slumber party with her Nana and the dogs at the Shilo one night. Jackson went to work with Grandma two evenings and well he did play on his iPod a lot. Mary tortured Ginger and snuggled with her Aunt Heidi. Cutie had the best behavior she has ever had there. She was in a new place, with new people, and sleeping in a strange room. She napped well and seemed to enjoy all the family and kids rotating through the house.
          It took us such an unreasonable amount of time to pack up from the hotel I decided not to stop on the way home. It is more work to stop than to keep driving. The way there was about fun, but the way home was just about getting home. We stopped for gas twice, but the kids only got out at the first gas stop. They were troopers and we made the trip in less than 14 hours.
         The time went too quickly and as always I was sad to leave my mom. I am kind of a baby! It probably wasn't a totally relaxing vacation but it was an adventure. Upon returning home, I didn't even vow to never do it again although I do plan on waiting a while. It could be a while before the car airs completely out!

The Wild Child!

          I had always wondered if you really love an adopted child the same as your biological children. When my bio children were younger I couldn't help but question if I could love another child as much. I thought I could and I hoped I would but I didn't really know.
          We waited for what seemed like years for our adoption placement. In reality it was less than a year but it seemed like forever. Then we got a call from our adoption agency. They wanted us to prayerfully consider a baby girl that had been presented to them. I say prayerfully because she had so many medical issues it was unreal.
          I knew it was kind of crazy but I really believed this little girl would be our daughter. I was afraid to be excited. I was afraid it wasn't really Gods plan and that it was just my heart jumping all in as I tend to do.
          The baby named Jamie had cystic fibrosis, she had hearing loss, she had some muscle issues, and they were not overly encouraging that she would develop normally. Her current foster family wanted her placed with a stay at home parent and a parent in the medical profession. Perfect right?
          I would like to be able to tell you that in my heart I wanted to put myself aside and care for this child. The choice to adopt was never that for me. I love kids and I wanted another one! This wasn't the child I expected to come to our family. I really thought a fit throwing 2 year old was our future but that wasn't our path.
          About a year ago I was reading an article on when and how adoptive parents attached to their babies. Some had a hard time and felt guilty and others attached and fell it love right away. It got me thinking about the way I came to love our little girl. No longer Jamie but my little Mary.
          When I met Mary she lived with an amazing foster family. The parents specialized in babies with medical issues. I was blown away by the way they cared for Mary and by the way they welcomed me into their home. For over a week I came to their house every day and spent the day walking, rocking, feeding, and giving breathing treatments to our soon to be daughter. There in that living room under the glow of a beautiful Christmas tree fell in love with Mary. I didn't even know it at the time.
          In the beginning it was so stressful with all of her appointments and doctors visits. I made mistakes and I struggled to learn about a health and education system that I didn't realized existed. Every specialty believes that their treatments and issues are the most important. Every special education teacher or clinic wants the child preforming at a standard I consider to be pretty high. My biggest job as her mom has been to sort this all out. Her cystic fibrosis is the most important. It turns out that her type of cystic fibrosis is pretty mild. When she has any illness in her chest we have to be careful but she is doing wonderfully.
          Probably the most comical thing that I have been told was when she was a baby. I had an occupational therapist tell me that he had concerns about her movement and that she may never walk. Okay! He totally got me there. Mary doesn't walk. Mary runs, jumps, skips, crawls, twirls, and prances but walking, not so much.
          He medical life is part of her but not all of her. There is so much more. I get to look at her and wonder what parts of herself she was born with and what parts she learned from our family. It doesn't matter at all I just wonder. Like if she lived with a calm family would she still be running around like a crazy lady and jumping of everything in sight? Did we teach her that? Would she crawl around in parking lots pretending to be a cat? Would she get that little impish smile when she is busy doing exactly what I told her not to do if she didn't live with us? It doesn't matter. I just wonder.
          Mary has developed into a spitfire of  a little girl. She pushes the limits, she is fast, and at times sneaky. She is a downright a bad influence for Baby Cutie! She is also fun. She smiles all the time and loves to sing. She is pretty good with nail polish. Oh wait... That was a big mess. She is totally exhausting but also amazing.
          So this summer as she continually wakes me up before 5:30 I will try to remember that she is great. Well really I am thinking that next summer she will almost be 5. So lets say she is going to do this awful early wake up thing next summer like she is this summer and did last summer, isn't nearly 5 old enough to have a little independence? Or if there is still a lack of motivation to be alone in the morning perhaps she will want her big sister or brothers during the wee hours instead!
         When I look at Mary now I don't see a child that feels like anything but my own. I know she is adopted and our plan is to be open with her about it but she belongs in our family. She always belonged in our family.

          This is a picture of Mary having a breathing treatment. It is a routine thing in our home. She has them once a day as a preventative measure. She has been having them since she was an infant but most of the days when she gets them she still acts like it is killing her. There is kicking, screaming, and drooling. Today I tried it a new way. I had her help me set it up and we put the medications in together. She did great for a few minutes and then she started to freak out as usual. She started to scream for Chloe so Chloe being the compassionate sister she is came to sit with her. It was crazy! Mary sat with her sister and did her entire treatment. I actually went into the kitchen to do the dishes. It could be the start of something wonderful or it could be a cruel trick of Mary's and tomorrow we will be right back to the flailing and drooling!

Oh no! I just went out to the living room to get my phone cord. After Mary and Chloe had done such wonderful bonding today I decided maybe Mary was ready to have her first sleep over. I was so so so very wrong! She is bouncing off the walls and the sofa sleeper. I think I am in for a long evening. Wish me luck!

Missing The Littles!

          Oh the joys of motherhood. I am so blessed to be a stay at home mother. I spend my days basking in the love of my children. They are thankful and polite and so I am. I love to make them healthy meals and they gobble them up praising my creative recipes. We like to keep things orderly. Before you can get another toy out you must put the first one back. In the morning the children bounce into the kitchen dressed and ready for the day. I sing songs of praise to wake them and my little angels glide out of bed.

 

Okay none of that was true.

          We have been in the chaos of moving. It has been a job and a half. Luckily I have had a lot of help with the kids. The three big kids were in a full day vacation bible school program last week and the little two got a lot of time with our babysitter and her family. In fact I am pretty sure Mary wants to move in with them!
         My in-laws (gasp) are here helping. Just kidding! No gasp. I have actually love my in-laws. Fancy that! We have had help with the kids and help moving. It has been as good as it could possibly be.
         My normal days are jammed packed with my kids. It's not usually the same child all day but during the school year it rotates from getting the big kids to school, getting the little two ready for the day, running around with the little two (ick!), getting the big kids from school, homework (with the little two yelling), dinner, getting the little two to bed, chores with the big three, reading with Jacko, and then into bed. It doesn't stop there either. The big three are like a revolving door of issues in the evening. Mom does this tooth feel loose? I think it's a big one. Mom where is my lunch box? Mom I know it's 9:30 but can you put my clothes in the dryer when the washer stops? Really there isn't any time to myself unless I have my beloved Jasmine the babysitter over.
         I am not bitter about this. I have five kids and I did actually choose to have them. It can be annoying obviously but it's the way things are. I tried to tell them I was off duty at 8 but they just keep coming in!
          During all this moving craziness I didn't have my kids much. If you have children or have ever seen a child I am sure you can understand that moving and packing with any amount of them at any age 10 or under is just not helpful. Even if they are trying they are still in the way.
         The first day or maybe two or three I was enjoying my freedom to come and go like a normal unhindered human. Then something happened I didn't expect. I started to miss them!
         As a stay at home mom missing the kids is a rare rare thing. How can you miss kids that are always around? In my case it's not always the same child next to me but there is always a child next to me. It's not that you don't love them. It's just that they are ALWAYS right there. It was nice to miss them.
         Mom life is all consuming and often I forget to relax. Who has time for that?!? Don't worry I haven't actually been doing that but my time without them made me want to spend more time with them.
         Usually getting up with baby Cutie and Mary is a chore but today I liked it. Well not so much the 5:30 part but after I perked up with a cup of coffee I found myself enjoying watching Mary balancing on the railing of her bed and Cutie jumping up to cover us with blankets and snuggling in. As the bigger kids started staggering out of bed I caught some cuddles and laughs. I think perhaps we all have missed one another.
         In a few days or a month I cannot promise I will feel the same, almost certainly I will not. Not that I won't be able to enjoy them but I am very sure I won't have had another chance to miss them.   Hopefully in January I can miss them again. Bret and I are planning a vacation and mission Nana (Linda) and Grandma (Beth) will be launching here in the Millar home. I can't wait! A vacation is a more fun reason to be missing the kids than hours and hours of packing and hauling. Ohhhh but I do love our new place!



PS! Chloe's butt picture has nothing to do with this blog. I wanted to put it on a few blogs ago and she freaked. It's 12:09 am. She is sleeping now! HAHAHA to her:)

 

 

 

The Poo Shoe!

        





         You know when you get dog poo stuck to the bottom of your shoes? There are always those few areas where it is impossible to get it out of the treads. That's how I felt about my parents during my middle school and early high school years. I just couldn't seem to get rid of them.
        It started when I was young. I know mom is to blame. She was always volunteering in my classrooms. She had personal relationships with my teachers. She even became friends with the principle and we drove her daughters to ballet class. When mom didn't come to school one Thursday in second grade Lara asked where she was. Even then I found this embarrassing.
        When I was in seventh grade we moved to Seaside. It was a new life and a new school. I was in middle school. There was no need for my mom to hang around but there she was. Oh yes she was. She didn't work in my class but worked in the resource room with the 6th graders. Why oh why?
         As if bothering me during school hours wasn't enough Mom and Dad both managed to come to all of my track meets, basketball games, and volleyball games. During that time I wanted to ride the bus with my friends and pretend I didn't have parents.
         When time to start high school came I was nervous and excited. I also knew my mom would be close behind. She would find a way to be around while I was doing my best to avoid her.
Sure enough she was. She worked in the counselors office filing scholarship papers. People saw her there. Juniors and seniors saw her! How embarrassing!
         We were still in the same place with the afterschool activities. Mom and Dad came to all of them and most of the time they had my rag-a-muffin niece Shade with them. Geeze! Okay, you got me, I did kind of like it when Shade came.
         My dad started to take an interest in my running. What that meant to me was he spent time talking with my coach. He kind of plotted about the other girls in the district and he bought me special vitamins. The best part was that before every race day we had pasta. Since I was the runner it was always the kind of pasta I liked. Never ever the kind that Amber liked. Sorry I digress.
         So..... These pesky parents! I just couldn't shake them. They always knew who I was with. They insisted on knowing what we were doing. They also knew all the kids at school, the staff at school, and the people I spent time with in my spare time.
         Perhaps I should have noticed that my parents were going out of their way and spending their own time investing in my life. Yeah right! That is not the way kids think.
         I did however learn to use my mom being around school once a week to my advantage. I got the idea from Evan Wickersham. His parents both worked at school. When I had his mom for Child Development I noticed he was always there. He was on to something. When mom was on campus I began to pop in to say, "Hi!" When I was there I wouldn't mind grabbing a couple dollars for a snack or having her sign a permission slip I forgot to bring home.
        From there things got better. I was becoming more comfortable with myself and school so having my parents around wasn't all bad. They are nice people and I did begin to see more clearly that not everyone got to have their parents around. I started to realize that I might be a little tiny bit lucky.
          My all time favorite memory of my parents at school was a Sadie Hawkins Dance. The dance committee decided to have marriages and asked my parents if they would officiate them. My parents stationed themselves in the corner of the cafeteria. Mom wore her cute jean jumper dress and dad wore his cowboy boots. The boots he wore my entire childhood but had opted out of during my older years for more comfortable tennis shoes. I love those boots.
          By the end of high school I enjoyed having my parents around. They weren't pushy. They didn't get involved in my social life. They were simply there.
          I think we all try to recreate the best part of our parents. I sure do. I can't spend as much time in each class as my mom did but I am doing my best.
         We are lucky. My kids go to a great school. There is a lot of parent involvement. The place I enjoy being is in the classroom. I like getting to know the kids, seeing what they are working on in class, and getting to know their teachers.
          As the kids get older the teachers seem to use parent help less. Bret was in fourth grade this year. The classroom help options were to make copies or help with math. Since the math they do would require me to study I went with the copies. His teacher greeted me with a smile and some kids gave me a nod but my sweet little Bret didn't even acknowledge me. I could be mad but I'm not. I am the poo stuck in the tread of his shoe!
         I didn't really work in Chloe's class this year. I was in and out for parties and field trips but I didn't have a regular slot of class time each week. Chloe's grade I know very well.
        The last week of school Chloe forgot her Brownie binder. When I brought it up to class I was immediately hugged by two boys. Adrian Flores and Zach Watkins rushed up and gave me a big squeeze. Bret won't look at me but these boys hug me!
         On Thursdays Mary had speech therapy at the school. I had to high tail it out of there if I didn't want to be run down by second grade girls. These girls are great. They are always full of smiles and mischief and guess who loves each and every one of them?!? Mary! She knows so many of them and upon seeing them she will twist free of my grip to join them at recess.
          Chloe can't resist running down the stairs she isn't allowed to go down for just one more hug. Maybe I am more like rainbow gum or laffy taffy stuck in her shoe. We all know she would pick it out and eat it.
         Jackson oh Jackson. When I am in his class I just can't shake him. If I am working with other kids he also needs to be right beside me. He doesn't really need my attention. He just wants to be sitting closest to me. It used to annoy me but his teacher didn't have a problem with it so why should I? In this case it's more like I am a bumble bee struggling to get away from this kid and his shoe that seems to be stalking me. Most of the time Mrs. Werner was there to set me free.
         Mary and Cutie are little. They can't shake me yet. I don't think they can understand that they might want to. Hopefully if Chloe keeps up the good example of enjoying me in her shoe the little girls will follow her lead.
         I am already plotting what I will do in the middle school. Should I start the year before Bret goes or wait until he gets there? I wonder where they hide all the nosey Aptos parents in middle school? I can't wait to find out....
         I am lucky to be able to be a part of the kids school life. I hope to always be 'around'. I don't want to meddle or snoop. I want to be in the background. Maybe they will appreciate it but more than likely they won't. Good news for me being a mom isn't about being appreciated.
                                          Perhaps that will happen when they become poo on their child's shoe.

Community

           I believe we are all searching or at least most of us. We are searching for a community that will accept us for who we are and love us. I want to have somewhere I belong and I know it's important for my children to feel accepted and loved.
          In Oregon that was our church family. We spent a lot of time at bible studies, playgroups, hanging out with friends from church, and I spent time with the high school girls. It was fun! We were all comfortable there.
         After our move to California I yearned for that same community. The first week here I opened the yellow pages and called around looking for playgroups and community. I needed it.
         We went to a few different places over a few years. I feared we had become church hoppers. We couldn't find a place we really fit in. It was like the three little bears. One church was too big and the other one was all the way across town. What were we to do?
         Meanwhile I developed a wonderful community. I have kind, supportive, loving friends. These friends are extra special to me. They keep me accountable when I am not in my right mind and they run with me. All in all these ladies are amazing!
         As time went on we didn't exactly give up our church search but we were content to be in limbo. Then we kind of got sucked into attending a church that had never cross my mind to try. It was full of old people and I could just picture what they would think of my sometimes ill behaved children. I hate getting the look!
          Bret (the kid) received a scholarship to attend St. Andrew's music camp. My children have all gone to preschool there but the preschool is run separately from the church. The catch was that at the end of music camp the children put on a performance the following Sunday at church.
          I walked in not knowing what to expect but I thought I knew. One look around the room proved my theory wrong. Yes, there were a lot of people well along in years at this church but where was that 'eye' I was expecting? It was no where to be seen. These people looked around the room at all the squirrely children and on their faces was nothing but joy. Not pretend joy either. It was the real deal.
          There are churches with great music out there and great family communities but this church felt like home. So we stayed. We have been going for a few years now. In the time we have been there they have seen some Millar children fits, Mary talking in a not so quite church voice, and a time or two I have feared my children might break someone's hip in the rush to get the last hot chocolate packet. All of these events have been received with smiles and nods of understanding. Just yesterday Mary could be seen army crawling under the pews when church was over. Of course this was encourage by the onlookers smiling and waving to her.
          I have a group of friends who are very dear to me and now I also have the support and love of a church family. My family feels cared for. It is a good place to be.
          Yesterday the day of the big army crawl it was just Mary and I at church. I dropped her off in the kid room and then it was just me. These moments are rare. So rare in fact that I felt myself begin to zone out. How long had it been since I just sat? Plus we were singing hymns. To justify myself they are a bit relaxing.
          Then the Pastor Anne began to preach. I wanted to get the most out of the time so I perked up. I was surprised by what I heard. Here stood a woman I admire very much and my admiration for her grew even bigger. She was sharing her views on what being gay means to her and what she thinks it means for our church.
          I have always been one to avoid hot topics. I hate heated conversations and pointless arguments. The kind where both people have their views and you know neither will change. I don't talk about health care, I don't share who I vote for, I don't talk about welfare, or the wars our country fights in. I have my views and I keep them to myself.
          As I am sitting there listening to Anne in the back on my mind I am also thinking of my high school teachers blog entry from not so long ago. Jan Priddy another woman that I admire very much had written a blog that touched on the subject of how gay men and women are treated. I wanted to comment so very badly but I didn't. As always, I held my thoughts. To put them in writing gives them the chance to start some sort of argument.
          The message Anne shared was a message of love. It was a message of being inclusive. She shared her feelings about our church being a place everyone can call home. To me that is truly the message of Jesus.
          As I listened I was humbled. Anne is standing there in front of our church family sharing what she believes in but what have I personally done? Nothing. I have been quiet on an important subject for the sake peace. Because I don't want to argue with people.
          I never want to be someone that forces my opinions of faith on those around me but as I hear and read stories of those that have been hurt in the process of other peoples religion it makes me sad. I don't want to be grouped with people that are not showing love to everyone around them. I can't myself believe that Jesus would even for one little second have behaved in such a way.
          I want to provide my children with a place that will always accept and love them. I do not want them to feel tolerated but included. If one of my children or grandchildren is gay I want them to have the strength to be who they are and know they will be loved.
          In this place right now I believe that I have that. From teachers, to friends, and back around to church we have so many loving people in our lives. We have been held up and supported in many life changes. We have gone through job loss, moving, adopting, fostering, and grief to name some. In all of these areas from all of these places we have been lifted up and cared for.
          I know that others feel differently and that's okay. I don't like to argue. I don't want to. I just want to do the best I can raising my children in a way that I believe honors God.

Oh and anyone that reads this that is really my friend won't tell my 10 year old that I posted a picture of him on a public blog dressed as a wise man. Hehehehe!

Grandpa!

       "Grandpa, Grandpa?" Mary muttered from the back seat of my parents car. A few tears slid down and I was thankful Mom was in the store paying for gas. I distracted Mary with the trees outside and quickly wiped my cheeks.
       It was the day after my dad passed away. I didn't know if Mary would notice his absence. She hadn't been to Oregon many times but Grandma was there so she expected to see Grandpa also.
       I was sad that she missed him. I was sad that I knew it wouldn't last. She was only two. Their time together had been so short.
       The reality is that all of my children are young. My oldest was 9 when Dad passed away. He has memories but even his memories aren't totally sticking and Dad was pretty sick for a while. What he remembers is cuddling up and watching shows and the time they snuck out for root beer floats. That's still good stuff!
         I was so close with my Dad. I couldn't have my children growing up without knowing who he was. So I tried to mimic how Dad had shared about Grandaddy (his dad) with us. He would tell us his stories and jokes. I know Grandaddy was a kind and funny man. I know his favorite grandchild was whichever one happened to be on his lap. For years when we drove past his grave we said, "Hi Grandaddy!" Oftentimes Dad would say he loved him. It was always so happy. Never sad. Those were the types of memories I wanted to create. I started working in a lot of stories about Dad with my kids. I did my best to avoid tears.
         As the one year of missing Dad began to approach I started to backslide a little. There were lots of tears. I was texting a friend and sharing my sadness with her. I loved her response and it has helped me see more clearly the way God can use a person forever and ever. She said she understood why everything could be sad but was it possible that I could use the day to celebrate his life instead?
         That's all it took. Of course Dad wouldn't want me falling apart once a year for the rest of my life. What would he want me to do? Well the official name for the day is now, "Grandpa Day!" This year for Grandpa Day we ate all Grandpa's favorite foods. We ate nectarines, smoked salmon, watermelon, and don't forget the choco tacos! It may change every year or maybe we will just stick with the foods. It really doesn't matter.
        So that was that. I wanted to pass along who Dad was to my kids and now I had a plan. I continued to tell stories and we now have a holiday. What more could you need? Nothing is better than the real thing but I am trying to make the best of it.
        Now here we are in June. Well a few weeks ago I decided that we just must go out to eat as a family. Baby Cutie and Mary aren't exactly restaurant trained so it was a risk. Bret usually isn't up for these types of adventures but he sucked it up for me. I wanted my family time darn it!
         Everything was going pretty well. Then my salad arrived. The three older kids started looking around and sniffing as though there was a dead animal under the table. "What is that horrible smell?" asked Chloe. I shot her the evil eye and told her not to be rude. Then I looked over at Jackson. His nose was plugged and his eyes were kind of rolling back in his head. He actually looked like he may throw up as he was gasping for breaths of fresh air that could not be caught. I glanced at my salad and took a nice long whiff and realized that in one wonderful way I have become my dad!
         I could never understand his need to get a big gross salad with that nasty dressing. If I couldn't stand to sit next to him and smell it how could he ingest it. Gross!!! Here I sat with my salad putting my children through the very same torture and it wasn't even planned. I relented and let the bigger kids go over to the table next to the window for some fresh air.
         I am only now beginning to realize that Dad is so much a part of who I am that I don't need to worry that the kids won't know who he is. They will always know him as long as they know me. It's the best when I catch them doing things that he did and it happens more than one would think! Love you Dad!

When did it all change?

What happened to me?

Where did my striving to be perfect fail?

His name is Jackson, Jackson James Millar!

 

 

          It started out oh so sweet. Bret my mild mannered first child. Did I ever worry he would run away in a parking lot? Nope, not that boy. He stood beside the car patiently waiting for my hand. When it was time to leave the toy store were there fits? Nope, not that boy. We waved bye to all those lovely trains and we went on our way. Did I ever worry he would lose control and hurt another child? No, not that boy. Because he wouldn't even put himself in the line of fire. While all the other boys were downstairs whopping each other on the heads with swords my sweet little boy was upstairs hanging out with the girls and eating his well balanced snack. Wow, I must be super wonderful at this parenting stuff!

 

Next came Chloe.

A little wild? Yes!

 A bit spunky? Perhaps!

 All about keeping up with the boys? Oh-ya!

 

Maybe a few instances during toddlerhood she threw a fit or two.

A real fit? No!

Wow, I don't know what the big fuss is about? I am still pretty great at this parenting stuff!

 

          A third biological child was never the plan but the plan it became. We had always intended to adopt after the first two but we changed our minds. What the heck? How about one more?!?

 

          Then came Jackson. My sweet sweet Jackson. He started off easy. He went to bed at 8 from the time he was a newborn. He was a good eater. He fit right in. I totted him all over in the early days.

 

          Even though it was going well I was starting to get tired. Even relatively well behaved small children can leave you yearning for the days of a full nights sleep, time for a run, or heaven forbid an outfit that stays clear of baby food, poo, pee, or the smell of sour spit up. Life was busy while at the same time pretty under control.

 

          The next step for our family was a big one. We lived in our hometown Seaside Oregon. I love all the comforts of home. We enjoyed walks on the prom, good friends, Dairy Queen, and most of all the support of my parents. I treasure the memories of loading the kids up and heading over to get dilly bars and banana milk shakes with my dad and then continuing the walk up to the photo shop to visit mom. There is oh so much to be said for a strong family.

      

          This time it was Bret's turn. His dream life wasn't in Seaside. We talked and we prayed and we moved. We moved to a place I have come to love. Just outside of Santa Cruz in the town of Aptos. Don't worry, we have still managed to land ourselves in a very nice fog bank:)

 

          As we are settling in and trying to establish our family in a new area I began to notice changes. My now 18 month old Jackson seems to be losing his mind. How did this happen? It was then that I realized that thing Chloe did when she rolled up in a ball and cried and then began to suck her thumb was in fact not a fit.

 

          My child even under this oh so perfect parenting is no longer thriving. He is clearing my coffee table of papers in a fit of rage. Opening all the caps of the yogurt and dumping them out. At hearing the word, "no" he would tailspin into throwing himself on the floor while kicking, screaming, hitting, spitting, or biting.

 

          Spank him you say? Seems simple enough. A good spanking will draw the line in the sand. Law down the law. I am the queen of this castle. Alas it wasn't that easy. For a child that could throw a real fit he had absolutely no change when spanked. As a parent hardly clinging to sanity myself is it a good idea to be "spanking" my child when by the time I get to that point I also feel very out of control? My thoughts...... Probably not!

 

          I went to friends, family, and the ever helpful internet. Oh all the ideas sounded to great when they were explained. Take a toy away. No means no. A cold glass of water will startle him into listening. Time out. The happy chair. A time in. Take him on a date. Create a routine. Restrain him. Talk to him on his level. Have you tried a reward system? I am not discounting any of these ideas. I am sure they have all worked at different times and I heard every strategy listed here multiple times. It's just that they didn't work! I know what you're thinking. Maybe you didn't stick to one strategy long enough. I can assure you that I did.

 

          Just because we have a fit throwing 2 year old life doesn't stop. Chloe still has a birthday and what is a birthday without the Bruno clan? Do you know what Chloe would just love? The Children's Museum in San Jose.

 

          Away we went. The line was a little crazy. Not because it was long but because the kids were SO excited. The day seemed to pass without any drama. We played with bubbles, made corn husk dolls, and ran around like the pack of wild children they were.

 

          Then it was time to go. For the life of me I can't remember what even set the little crazy off? Shoes maybe? So as we were collecting all the kids and heading out old faithful flips.

 

          Now we aren't talking about the kind of flip out where you can drag the kid through the store by an arm. No we are not! It was a flopping and howling fit. At this time, in this very public place it didn't even phase me. I maneuvered Jackson and I over to a relatively empty area and held him tightly. I don't know how long we sat there but we sat there until he stopped. I remember feeling empowered. I wasn't empowered because I was the perfect parent but because I was Jacksons parent. I accepted that my child isn't perfect and I am not either. Shocking I know! All I can do is my best. Jackson has allowed me to learn more and dig deep. He has shaken my confidence. Is that bad? I think not. Probably the hardest issue that has come with my parenting of Jackson are the judgments from other people.

 

          Would I prefer that my child didn't cling to my leg and try to chase me to the parking lot after I worked in his class? Yes, yes, yes! It turns out you can't fully control other people, even a child. I do my best to direct him and I do follow through.

 

          The coolest thing about Jackson and his hot and cold personality is that all you have to do to be adored by him is treat him kindly and love him. As I look up after a long day at school what do I see? I see a toothless boy wearing high water jeans running down to hug me.

 

         

First Blog!

"What is a blog?" I asked Sarah about 7 years ago. My teenage niece turned to look at me with a face mingling between amusement and disgust. "That is like asking what the internet is!" was her response. At that point in my life I wasn't far out of teenage land myself. How did I miss this? I'll tell you how! Their names are Bret, Chloe and Jackson. I had two toddlers and a baby. My time for trolling on the internet looking for blogs didn't exist. Did I become so detached from the up and coming on purpose? No! I was just elbow deep is crazy.

Now life is different. The two toddlers and a baby are getting older. Bret is 10, Chloe is 8 and Jackson is 7. But wait! There's more... We adopted a sweet baby that has transformed into our spunky 3 year old. My little miss Mary. In September our newest family member came to join us. She is Mary's biological sister. For confidentiality purposes we can call her Cutie. She is our 18 month old foster daughter.

So here we are! Two mostly sane adults outnumbered and at times outsmarted by our brood of kids. Lets be real, anyone that knows us knows that the big family was mostly my idea but Bret is pretty great at this parenting stuff:) Lucky for the both of us.

I love being a mom and I love where God is taking my little family. I have so many forms of support in my life. I must give a big shout out to my running buddies! I cringe to think where I would be without you.

A few days ago I read a blog that a mother had written about the end of the school year craziness. I loved it! It validated where I have been the last couple of weeks. Down in the trenches of last minute projects and painfully packing or as the case sometimes is not packing lunches. We have baseball games and choir concerts. The list goes on and the jobs aren't all bad. Some of them are even fun! The one thing that can't be denied is that it can be overwhelming and as a mother I can often feel that I am coming up short on every front. As I share more about my mothering struggles it is becoming clear that there is a certain freedom in that honesty. Maybe writing about the chaos will help keep meaningful moments to the front and help some of that worry and self doubt stay to the back.

Happy Monday!