Me! Me! Me!

Me! Me! Me!

You got it. I was thinking about myself! Some of you might be aware of the that the last few years have been kind of rough around the Millar home. At times things seemed like too much but we got through.

This summer I decided would be different for our family. I would not be carting kids to camp and lessons. We would bond as a family! We had lots of beach days and many lazy days at home. The little girls went to preschool during the summer and Bret and I got some much needed time with the big kids.

I was sad to see summer ending but I saw so much hope in the school year. I would have the three older kids all at the same school and for the same hours. I would also have the little girls at the same school for the same hours. It was planned they would go to school three days a week from 7-12:30.


                              FREEDOM!!!!


Like all good and wonderful plans that happen in the Millar home things were quickly foiled! We started out great. For the first couple of weeks the schedule seemed golden. I would take the kids all to school and then I would have time for ME.

What did me time look like?      What does a mom of 5 do with all that freedom?

I ran! I love to run.

From the running however it only went downhill. I prepped dinners, I went grocery shopping, and I cleaned our house. I see other moms doing it. That's what you should do right? Well I didn't like it one bit! I would spend time prepping meals and cleaning my house only to have kids walk through the door complaining there was 'nothing' to eat while they left a trail of their belongings from the door, through the living room, and into the kitchen.

How rude! I can't believe my children ranging in age from 3-11 didn't appreciate my efforts.

With the new schedule I also wasn't getting any one on one time with Claire. After a couple of weeks I took her down to two days of preschool so we could hang out more. I was very excited with this change! Not long after that it became very obvious that I needed more help with Mary and her schooling. Mrs. Sandman graciously welcomed Mary into her Kinder class.

What the heck? I am a schedule girl! I love schedules! I love to make them and I love to follow them.


In little more than a month the year of ME disappeared. I would be lying if I told you I embraced this change. Okay, I didn't care so much about the cleaning or the meal prepping but my running time being swiped right from under my nose like that. I was so close! I would still hold onto my Monday morning run. I can drop the kids off at 8, meet up with friends, and run by the ocean. That's what I did for a few more weeks. It was nice.

Then one morning I was in Mary's class and she looked at me with her big brown eyes and asked me if I was helping and staying with her. I had some reservations in her ability to follow directions with me in there but she surprised me. The morning Mary asked me to work in her class is the morning I realized the importance of loving where I am in life right now.

Where am I now?

I know you were all worried but I still find time to run! Without it I might be crazy. Not just a little crazy, like people would run away when they saw me coming crazy.

I spend a lot of time with Claire. We go shopping, we clean, we play, and we snuggle up to watch Tarzan. It takes more time to shop with her but I find myself more satisfied. I didn't just buy food for my family. I chased Claire through a store! Bonding and attachment can take place in so many ways:)

The two mornings when Claire is at school isn't spent cleaning or taking care of family errands. Both mornings I work in my kids classes. When I am done there is usually time for a walk with a friend, or a cup of coffee and a snack alone.

Obviously on this plan my house is messier and we don't eat as well but I am happier. I am more fulfilled. I am realizing that I am not ready to move on. I don't want a big girl job. I don't want to go back to school. I will probably never ever be able to clean my house and prepare meals while my family is away. It makes me a bitter cranky little lady!

I have always wanted to be a mom. I am lucky I get to spend time working in the kids classes and pick them up when they get out of school. Bret and I were talking the other night and he asked me what I would have thought had I known where we would be at this point in our lives when we were first married. Honestly, I would have been shocked to know that at the age of 31 I would have three birth children and two adopted children. I wouldn't have just been shocked. I would have been envious of this future me.

One day I might have to grow up. I have many friends that go to school, volunteer, work, and teach. I know they are amazing mothers. I admire them for their abilities, and for the way they balance their passions, obligations, and still manage to be wonderful mothers. I see what they do and at times I think I am ready for a change, then something happens and I realize I am not ready.

I want to live in my little house and stay at home with my crazy kids. I want to play games and fight about screen time. I want to embarrass Bret at school and have Chloe chase after me for one more hug. I want Jackson to talk non-stop about a game of tag he and his friends made up at school. I want to struggle to get Mary in the car because she wants to give one more hug to her friend. Most of all I want to pick Claire up from preschool half an hour early so she doesn't hit her friends! A few months ago when I imagined what life with so much free time would be like I thought it would be glorious. Now when I look into the future and know that in a blink of an eye Claire will be in school full time, I can't help but feel a little knot in my stomach. Will I have to grow up?!?

Loving Claire!

Where to begin?!?

        Let's start with the blog. I love to write but that's not why I wanted to blog. I was grasping for an escape, an outlet, a place to forget the fear and anxiety I was battling.
 
        When I showed up with a new almost one year in tow at soccer practice I recited what our adoption agency told me to say. "This is Libby. We don't know how long she will be with us. Our focus right now is reunification with her parents."

        When a closer friend pulled me to the side and asked if we wanted to adopt her my answer was obviously yes. She continued to ask how long I thought the process would be. Once again I answered with what our adoption agency told us, 2 years. No one, not our adoption agency, not Libby's case worker, and certainly not us, thought the process would actually take this long!

        I love kids! I love many kids that aren't my own but loving my little Libby has been a much different process. It wasn't until the last month that I can say, "I love this child and I am glad she is here," and mean it in my heart.

        How can this be? Most of you know my kids. You've seen me chase Mary, racing to catch her before she reaches the street, in the process shedding sweaters and shoes. You've seen Jackson lock me out of our car in a fit of rage. You've seen Chloe put her sassy little hand on her hip and roll her eyes at me. It may even be possible you have seen Bret trip his brother and then play the victim when Jackson seeks revenge.

How could Libby be different?

How could her fits be worse than Jacksons?

How could it be harder to bond with her than it was with Mary?

 Having a child you are told to treat, support, and love as your own, while on the other hand supporting efforts to place the child back in a home, with parents you know can't properly care for her is one of the hardest things I have ever done!

        In an effort not to go insane with the what-ifs and fear that came with it I focused my efforts on being a good concurrent placement. Which means I did many things to support her parents in the process. I didn't do anything huge. Its was little things, sending in disposable cameras so they could take pictures, giving them updates verbally and in letters of her milestones and inviting the mother to join me at doctor appointments. I knew that my efforts wouldn't make a difference in the outcome of the case but it is where I focused my CRAZY.
 
        Her parents both started visits a month after she came to live with us. The fallout from them was awful. She came home throwing fits. Age appropriate right? No! No! No! They were so extreme she was honestly a danger to herself and anyone within slapping or head flinging distance. This went on for so long and still her parents were given another 6 months.

        Last summer was spent with Libby having 4-5 hour visits with her biological mom. Lucky for Libby she is young enough that she won't remember them. Unluckily for the visit supervisors they will never forget! Needless to say last summer wasn't a summer of fun.

        Now here we are a year later. Rights have been terminated and we are in the final phase. We are submitting our paperwork and waiting on an adoption day!

        I have been waiting for this summer like Mary waiting for Santa. We have no activities going on. This is our time! It's our time to regroup. Mary and Libby are in school 3 afternoons a week so our big three can get some much needed attention.

        When Libby comes home from school I am happy to spend the evening with her. She no longer slaps me in the face and flings her body on the ground. She loves to play babies, tea party, and swing. She loves her pony, blankets, and pacifier. She loves her brothers and sisters. She loves her room, the park, and the beach! She loves our family, now her family.

        Each story is different. I would have never thought it would take me so long to love her the way I know I should. It's almost unspeakable to admit such a thing.

        Here we are now celebrating bonding time with a family member we didn't know for sure would stay. There are so many things we didn't see or have control over for so long. The final piece of this beginning phase for me is her name. We planned to keep the name Libby, short for Liberty. The name given to her by her birth mother. I wanted to keep her name mostly because of you all.

Would our friends and family think it was crazy to change the name of a two and a half year old? Has she lost too much already? This is a time for fresh starts!

I would like to present Claire Linda Millar!

We are looking forward to adoption day when it will be official!

Thank you all for the variety of ways you have supported us over the last couple of years. An extra shout out to our adoption agency Hand in Hand and Minji one of our county social works! Sorry I may have been a pain in your rear April:)