Loving Claire!

Where to begin?!?

        Let's start with the blog. I love to write but that's not why I wanted to blog. I was grasping for an escape, an outlet, a place to forget the fear and anxiety I was battling.
 
        When I showed up with a new almost one year in tow at soccer practice I recited what our adoption agency told me to say. "This is Libby. We don't know how long she will be with us. Our focus right now is reunification with her parents."

        When a closer friend pulled me to the side and asked if we wanted to adopt her my answer was obviously yes. She continued to ask how long I thought the process would be. Once again I answered with what our adoption agency told us, 2 years. No one, not our adoption agency, not Libby's case worker, and certainly not us, thought the process would actually take this long!

        I love kids! I love many kids that aren't my own but loving my little Libby has been a much different process. It wasn't until the last month that I can say, "I love this child and I am glad she is here," and mean it in my heart.

        How can this be? Most of you know my kids. You've seen me chase Mary, racing to catch her before she reaches the street, in the process shedding sweaters and shoes. You've seen Jackson lock me out of our car in a fit of rage. You've seen Chloe put her sassy little hand on her hip and roll her eyes at me. It may even be possible you have seen Bret trip his brother and then play the victim when Jackson seeks revenge.

How could Libby be different?

How could her fits be worse than Jacksons?

How could it be harder to bond with her than it was with Mary?

 Having a child you are told to treat, support, and love as your own, while on the other hand supporting efforts to place the child back in a home, with parents you know can't properly care for her is one of the hardest things I have ever done!

        In an effort not to go insane with the what-ifs and fear that came with it I focused my efforts on being a good concurrent placement. Which means I did many things to support her parents in the process. I didn't do anything huge. Its was little things, sending in disposable cameras so they could take pictures, giving them updates verbally and in letters of her milestones and inviting the mother to join me at doctor appointments. I knew that my efforts wouldn't make a difference in the outcome of the case but it is where I focused my CRAZY.
 
        Her parents both started visits a month after she came to live with us. The fallout from them was awful. She came home throwing fits. Age appropriate right? No! No! No! They were so extreme she was honestly a danger to herself and anyone within slapping or head flinging distance. This went on for so long and still her parents were given another 6 months.

        Last summer was spent with Libby having 4-5 hour visits with her biological mom. Lucky for Libby she is young enough that she won't remember them. Unluckily for the visit supervisors they will never forget! Needless to say last summer wasn't a summer of fun.

        Now here we are a year later. Rights have been terminated and we are in the final phase. We are submitting our paperwork and waiting on an adoption day!

        I have been waiting for this summer like Mary waiting for Santa. We have no activities going on. This is our time! It's our time to regroup. Mary and Libby are in school 3 afternoons a week so our big three can get some much needed attention.

        When Libby comes home from school I am happy to spend the evening with her. She no longer slaps me in the face and flings her body on the ground. She loves to play babies, tea party, and swing. She loves her pony, blankets, and pacifier. She loves her brothers and sisters. She loves her room, the park, and the beach! She loves our family, now her family.

        Each story is different. I would have never thought it would take me so long to love her the way I know I should. It's almost unspeakable to admit such a thing.

        Here we are now celebrating bonding time with a family member we didn't know for sure would stay. There are so many things we didn't see or have control over for so long. The final piece of this beginning phase for me is her name. We planned to keep the name Libby, short for Liberty. The name given to her by her birth mother. I wanted to keep her name mostly because of you all.

Would our friends and family think it was crazy to change the name of a two and a half year old? Has she lost too much already? This is a time for fresh starts!

I would like to present Claire Linda Millar!

We are looking forward to adoption day when it will be official!

Thank you all for the variety of ways you have supported us over the last couple of years. An extra shout out to our adoption agency Hand in Hand and Minji one of our county social works! Sorry I may have been a pain in your rear April:)